• estherokusaga


Every time I open my phone and scroll through my social media it is like I am waiting for something bad to happen.

I am waiting for the #RIP hashtags to show, I am waiting for the #Justicefor hashtags to appear and I am waiting for the world to yet again stop because another shocking piece of news is being circulated.

To say I am tired would not be enough.

‘Tired’ doesn’t even begin to explain how I am feeling.

I am feeling overwhelmed, I am feeling numb, I am feeling confused and I am feeling hurt.

Today was supposed to be just a normal day, a day where I could relax and enjoy the Bank holiday weekend.

My mum and I had just returned back home from a walk. I check my phone quickly and there is a message in my Church groupchat mentioning something about Chadwick Boseman, I ignore it thinking that it wasn’t important.

Only for my dad to go “RIP CHADWICK BOSEMAN.”

Did I just hear him correctly?

I respond: “Dad are you joking?”

I then proceed to go on Twitter because that is the one app I can trust to be on top of news like this… and what do I see?

#RIPCHADWICKBOSEMAN and his picture flying all over the place.

I have to go to the actual internet to make sure this is true, which it was. Every headline I read slowly begins to break my heart. My soul cries out for his family and the people close to him.

I begin to see flashbacks of the Black Panther movie, a movie that brought me so much joy. A movie that reminded me how beautiful and powerful it is to be a black woman.

All I could say in my mind was ‘AGAIN?’

Again another legend gone, again another piece of earth shattering news and again I am back to questioning everything.

2020 so far has been the year of earth shattering news. I have never questioned the world so much before! I have been searching for answers and I am still searching.

I am trying to search for them at the feet of Jesus.

It is hard. It is so hard!

It is very easy for believers to tell each other whenever we hear negative news to go the Bible and find truth there.

Or some of us will simply say ‘God is still good, He has a greater plan for us.’

This is all very very true, but in all honesty I find it hard to believe all of this when the world keeps feeding me bad news upon bad news.

I know my Father is greater, but something in my mind tells me to literally shut down and scream!

I cannot help but ask ‘WHY.’

‘Why God is there so much pain and hurt in the world?’

‘Why are good, innocent people losing their lives?’

‘Why hasn’t all the negativity ended yet?’

Does this make me a bad Christian?

I used to think that asking God these kind of questions was a bad thing, because as a Child of God I should automatically know how awesome our Father is and I shouldn’t dare question this sovereign being because He is so mighty and holy.

However, I now believe that there is nothing wrong with questioning God in a respectful and honouring way.

I question God while still knowing that I cannot understand all His actions (it says in the Word that His judgements are unsearchable)- (Romans 11:33).

I question God whilst knowing that His ways are better, higher and greater.

2020 is teaching me to lean on God when the vacuum of ‘bad news’ wants to suck me in.

Emphasis on the word ‘teaching.’ Teaching means I haven’t become the master yet, I am still learning.

I want to be completely honest right now and say sometimes I don’t want lean on God. Or should I say ‘my FLESH’ doesn’t want to lean on God.

Know this bible verse?

Matthew 26:41- “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.”

My FLESH is telling me to be angry, get upset, blame God and turn away from Him in moments of deep pain.

During these moments, I sometimes don’t want to even talk to God, I don’t want to open my Bible and I definitely do not want to be still in His presence.

I cannot be silent because it is not in my nature. It is in my nature to question, to cry and to stay shocked.

I am hurting. We are all hurting and we cannot downplay this anymore.

I keep hearing ‘2020 IS A LOT.’

This statement is the most accurate statement I have heard all year!

If you ask me to write about the year that is 2020 I could probably write a book.

I honestly do not know what to do anymore because the world makes me want to run into my room and never come out.

I feel like today we do not acknowledge the emotions we are feeling, especially within the Christian community.

It is almost like when we feel sad, mad or tired we as a church sometimes respond immediately with ‘what Bible verse do you want to hear?’

Yes, the Word of God is truth and it is my Anchor, but that doesn’t mean I cannot acknowledge my feelings. That doesn’t mean I cannot grieve and I cannot take time.

I take God with me and I place Him in the centre, I tell Him everything I am feeling and I don’t hold anything back.

I make sure to tell Him my mental struggles and lean on Him to restore my faithfulness.

Sometimes I may turn to God immediately and sometimes it may take me weeks/months to turn to Him.

At the end of the day I know He is waiting for me saying ‘Daughter come to me, I want to hold you.’

He is saying that to you too.

In the year 2020 we need to examine our feelings and place them at the feet of Jesus.

If you are finding this hard to do, please do not condemn yourself. Do not try to ignore how you are feeling…

Talk to yourself, talk to your friends/family and talk to the Holy Spirit. He will lead you and guide you towards the right place!

I wrote this because I needed a place where I could express all my emotions and I know a lot of the time people do not know how to express themselves, but reading or watching someone else do it helps them.

I hope this helps you and I pray for God’s love to shower you and comfort you.

I pray that 2020 will deliver everything our Father has promised you.


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